I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
