someone threw a dead crab at me
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
