does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
