I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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