My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Randomize
