i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
