so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
