I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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