i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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