Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
