I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
