Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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