so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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