is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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