my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
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