Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I looked at my own cervix.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
We left the knife in your bed.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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