I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
