the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
