ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
All the doctor said was why
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
