i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
