Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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