Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize