the new term for farting is butt boxing.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
