if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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