If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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