apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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