All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
My feet surprised me
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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