I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
