I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
