True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Randomize
