Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
