Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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