Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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