The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
