Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
