so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
