I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
