This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I have fence marks all over my body
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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