Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
