Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
