You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
