Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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