My Higher Power is John Stamos
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
