dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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