NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
