You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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