New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
