I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
