Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
