How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
