I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
