Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
