he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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