and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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